Does this person like me for who I am? or what I do? or who I know? or how I can help?
These are some of the hardest questions any of us will ever navigate. Yet we chart course through these uncertain waters everyday.
All of us.
Whether you’re sorting through your true friends in high school, college, or graduate school.
If you look around at your circle of single friends who you stay up way too late talking about anything and everything.
If you’re a mommy of preschoolers who aches for real conversation.
Whether you’re an entrepreneur or climbing the ranks at your professional job, you, too, may wonder what draws these people to you? What are the motives behind the relationships?
I wrestle with these question a lot.
Warning: Personal vulnerability disclosure.
Some people seem so excited to be friends with “Margaret Feinberg”—someone who they’ve read and watched Bible studies and enjoyed Scriptural coloring books.
But sometimes when I’m with these people, I sense they want to be with a character they’ve built up in their minds—not really me.
It’s not that I’m not that person. I am that girl.
But they seem surprised that when I say from stage, “I think the best days of life are lived in your pajamas,” that I really, really mean it. As in, if you drop by on Thursday at 3pm, there’s a good chance you’ll find me in my jammies.
Or when I joke that I’m a terrible driver. I mean it. I drive like a granny who can’t see over the wheel and suffers from bad eyesight.
I wonder deep down inside, Why do you want to be my friend?
Living with this as a central question never breeds healthy friendships. Instead, we must learn to recognize that some friendships are for seasons of life and others are based on life-stage or work.
Whether you’re in school or a job or a parent, we have to remind ourselves that we will not always be in that position. The years will pass fast. Then you’ll transition.
A new role. A new life stage. A new stage of parenting.
Throughout these years, you will make personal friends.
Personal friends are with you in the thick and thin for the long haul. When your get married, the kids graduate, or you find yourself unemployed, those friends don’t budge. They’re with you and for you because at the core they care about you and simply enjoying being with you.
Personal friends send you the stemware from Scandal because they know you love Olivia Pope. Personal friends agree to fly a thousand miles to celebrate your birthday—even though they can’t pronounce the name of the city or find it on a map. Personal friends tolerate and even celebrate your quirks and weird food allergies help you track down the pajamas that only come out once a year from Target that you love.
You’ll also gain positional friends.
They are your friend because of your influence, position, job title, or stage in life. The doors fling open because of what you do and they are ready to connect and serve you on a moment’s notice. Positional friends are good for life and the workplace and growth.
But we must be diligent to never confuse personal and positional friends.
That’s when we can get our hearts broken. For all positional friends, a day will come when they’re too busy to hang out with you. Their job is now focused on whoever has the new position, the new job title, the new baby, the age and stage in life—that you once had.
A third, less savory group, also exists: opportunistic friends.
These are simply false friends who want to use you, suck what they can from you, and dispose of you. Opportunistic friends sometimes can be people who want your position, your life, your resources, your name, and they aren’t really friends at all.
How do you handle these relationships?
Remember that their bad behavior and words aren’t personal. They may attempt to pin their disappointment, failure, depression on you—but this is not your issue.
Respond with patience, compassion, and refuse to return the attack. With enough prayer and grace, you may discover that years down the line those people who behaved as enemies may become friends and allies.
Today take five minutes and make a list of the various friends you have in your life:
Personal. Positional. Opportunistic.
How can you begin investing your time and energy in each one?
Loving on your long-time, thick n’ thin friends.
Loving on your positional friends for the short time they’ll be with you.
Extending compassion on the opportunistic friends as you walk in wisdom and grace.
What is one way you can cultivate deeper, healthier relationships this week?
Are you having The Difficult Conversation (page 124) with anyone this week? How can we be praying for you?
Join us back at MargaretFeinberg.com on Monday, July 18th as we begin Week 6: The Wonder of Forgiveness during the online Summer Bible Study.
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