Becka Burke, my friend and graduated Writers Boot Camp cadet, experienced one of life’s most tragic losses. Within moments of giving birth, her precious baby, Andy, died. She’s been courageously fighting back with joy, but sometimes the grief is just too much.
I asked her to share what have been among the most hurtful and helpful responses from her friends. Burke (who is on instagram and twitter) shares:
1. Clichés and empty platitudes cut extra deep.
Grief is hard because of the fog and murkiness that overtakes your brain. Perhaps this is a hidden gift of grief, a kind of protection. The same fog that blurs also protects, because no one wants to remember all the junk people say.
Some empty platitudes to avoid:
“God needed another angel in heaven.”
“Time will heal things.”
“At least you have two other children.”
2. Clichés and empty platitudes aren’t expressions of love.
As the months rolled by, I realized that platitudes are a cop out. They exist to make the person feel better about themselves, comforting themselves that they have something to say.
Repeating phrases you've heard over and over again—and maybe even believing them does not make them true for someone else. I’d encourage people to think about what you’re saying. It’s true that time does heal things, but saying that three days after I buried my baby isn’t helpful.
3. Instead of clichés and empty platitudes let me know you’re with me.
Text me Scriptures. Let me know I’m in your thoughts and prayers. Invite me out to lunch or to a movie just to laugh and get away from it all. Some days I may not be up for it, but on the days I am, you’re breathing life into my soul.
4. Love me even though I’m a wreck.
Just recently I ran into a mom with a newborn. She looked tired, run down, in need of a tube concealer.
“How’s it going,” I asked.
“I’m beyond exhausted because the baby needs to be fed throughout the night,” she said.
I didn’t have a response. I secretly wished that I was the one needing a glob of concealer beneath my baggy eyes. I wanted to be the sleepless one because of newborns' hunger cries. Instead I was taking copious amounts of Ambien so that my PTSD from losing a child wouldn't take over. This simple comment turned into a slashing of my heart.
This woman didn’t do anything wrong in the slightest. It’s just that after the loss of a baby, we’re extra sensitive with red-hot emotions as we mourn.
You may be tempted to stay away. Don’t. Come near. I may be a wreck, but I need you to love me through it.
5. Please say my baby’s name aloud.
If possible, say the baby’s name aloud. Don’t shy away from it. Let the momma know you miss her baby, tell her you think of her baby (what it would be doing developmentally, what stage it might be at, what it would look like). A mother’s biggest fear is that her baby will be forgotten.
Becka put together this video to better equip you to love those facing a similar crisis.
(RSS Subscribers, click here to view.)
What advice or wisdom do you have for those who want to offer comfort and encouragement to those have experienced infant loss?
What are some of the worst things that have been said to you?
What are some of the best?
The post What NOT to Do When Your Friend Experiences the Loss of a Baby appeared first on Margaret Feinberg.